We’ve all heard the phrase you are your own worst critic. It’s a saying that’s been done to death, people may roll their eyes at it, or shrug it off  but it is never more relevant when you are feeling down. Whether it is academics, body image, job performance or relationship status, we humans are exceptionally brilliant at finding problems where there are none or brilliant at just plain feeling awful about ourselves.

So it’s time for me, Liz a.k.a Captain Confidence, and Fitness extraordinaire (because fitness is both about physical and mental/emotional well-being) to tell you how sad thinking works, what to do to make yourself happy again and who to call.

Spiralling in negative thinking is also something that happens quite a bit. First it may be feeling slightly insecure about job performance but then it can quickly lead to how unintelligent you are and then why no one *really* likes you and that can also be attributed to how awful you look. See how easy it is to spiral?

This may be true at more instances than at others, but I bet that anyone that has been dumped or fired or bullied has had these awful thoughts. So why would mother nature give us the ability to do this? Well my thinking is that this is actually evolution and somewhere along the line we needed this! The ability to apologise and ‘feel bad’ is found in many other social animals apart from ourselves, and this is mostly due to the need to get along in groups. (For more on morality and animals check out Frans de Waal’s TEDTalk). I don’t think we could function as a society if we didn’t have the ability to feel poorly about ourselves, because everybody would be self-righteous and entitled. This is probably why you have fights over food or mates in solitary animals.

But enough with the monkey business (see what I did there ), it’s all well and good to know that it is normal and ‘evolved’ to have negative feelings about ourselves, but it doesn’t really help. You know what does help?  Tea, a good book, some great friends, parents to vent to, an animal to cuddle up to, sad or funny TV, crying it out, going for a walk/run, chocolate (but only in small doses! You don’t want food to be your source of comfort, because that can end badly), Tumblr and of course the Gay Geek blog! I think you get the picture, just distract yourself!

We need to step back from it and look at ‘the problem’ (if there is one or not is actually something you should think about) and see where it truly lies and how can it be improved. Think about it this way, when you are in a cycle of negative thoughts you are likely to be emotional and in most situations that isn’t a way to approach a problem.

We also have to break the cycle of negative thoughts!

A theory on how depression actually comes about is due to neurological connections! Like learning a new language or memorising your shopping list, your brain actually makes more cells and connect it to the appropriate part of your brain to do those things the more you think about/practice them. More connections means that it is easier and faster to access sad memories and feelings. This also means that you are more likely to spiral and take drastic action! In fact, the reason why people cut themselves is because they are in the spiral or a storm of unhappiness and that pain physically and neurologically breaks you out of it! But of course just successfully distracting yourself has the same effect. So save yourself the pain and just watch TV!

Whether you have depression or are just feeling sad, distracting yourself (safely) and looking at problems from a less emotional light is always a good idea.

To get more factual information or to just talk to someone go to any of these sites, and ring any of these numbers:

http://www.beyondblue.org.au/ 1300 22 4636

http://www.lifeline.org.au/ 13 11 44

http://www.kidshelp.com.au/  1800 55 1800

These numbers and sites aren’t just for people who have depression, it really is for anyone who is feeling sad. Their focus is to make your day just a bit brighter and to help you out even a tiny bit.

We cannot make it through life alone, we weren’t built for it, evolution dictated that – so just talk and be merry!

{Image Source: memegenerator and askthecmmiappraiser}

Hooray for my debut article for GayGeek! My name is Mina Nevada and I’m excited to be a part of the team.

My topic of choice is, appropriately, my favourite hobby; cosplay. Specifically, I’m talking about a social media campaign which has garnered a lot of attention recently: Cosplay ≠ Consent.

Photo credit: Nicole Peterson

For those unaware, ‘cosplay’ is a hobby comprised of ‘costume’ + ‘play’, which refers to dressing up in character-accurate costume and taking on that character’s persona. Cosplay is unique in its performative nature and the attention ‘cosplayers’ place on costume accuracy. While it’s great fun, it can sometimes come with a few unsavoury experiences; those particular experiences are what this campaign wants to address.

Cosplay ≠ Consent, or CONsent, is the movement started by Sushi Killer over at 16-Bit Sirens. Primarily based in social media, the campaign seeks to change attitudes about acceptable behaviour toward people in costume. Essentially, the aim is to stop stories like these from happening.

Photo credit: 16-Bit Sirens

Photo credit: 16-Bit Sirens

The idea of CONsent doesn’t only apply to overt, unashamedly hurtful actions: it breaks into the largely-ignored territory at the centre of the ‘bad experience’ spectrum. There’s a lot of neglected space between no-harm-at-all and full-on sexual assault. Given that the latter is relatively uncommon at your typical convention, most negative experiences fall into this middle category.

So what exactly sits at the centre? It could be that little comment about how brave you are to “dress outside your body type”. That hug which ends with a ‘casual’ pat on your backside. That one photographer who gets right in your face and takes a candid photo without asking permission.

The bulk of negative experiences which can put a sour edge to your day are these little things. The perpetrator might not fit the description of your typical creeper – they might be totally unaware that their conduct has caused offense or discomfort. When these are your circumstances, you might even feel like the bad guy for speaking out at all.

CONsent is about starting that conversation: empowering cosplayers to raise issues which might be hard to articulate. It’s about highlighting what might otherwise go unchecked because ‘there wasn’t any touching’ or ‘it was just a harmless joke’.

Why is a campaign for CONsent necessary? Because women in costume are still passed off as ‘exhibitionists’; dressing up solely for the fleeting attention of male attendees (the context of Harris’ rant can be found here). We need CONsent because assumptions like “they were dressed in showy costume; they should expect this” are used to legitimise unwanted advances and inappropriate behaviour. Because we still assume that cosplayers are dressing for our approval and assessment rather than their own enjoyment.

Because we still struggle to get our heads around the fact that clothes are not a valid source of consent or information about the person wearing them.

The unique feature of cosplay – the ‘-play’ part – is also its most enjoyable. I love adopting a new persona for a day. I enjoy having people address me as that character and interact with me as if I truly am that character. But how far should that go? Is this an excuse to treat cosplayers differently in costume? Some answers don’t come easily, that much is clear. But where individual preferences vary, one thing remains constant; cosplayers are not really that fictional character. There is always a person behind the persona.

It doesn’t take much to tell the difference between reality and your fantasies and to understand that they do not always line up.

There is only so far you can take a fantasy. When you perpetuate these unsavoury behaviours, you steal away your fellow geek’s humanity. When you reduce a person to their costume and your arbitrary ideas of what that costume or character is all about, you deny them that status as a person. They become a fictitious identity; barely half a person.

It’s much easier to degrade or bully a piece of fiction than to do the same to a human being.

We need to debunk these harmful assumptions. Conventions are meant to be safe places where fans can meet and share mutual love for a show or an icon. They should not become battlegrounds for bodily sovereignty. Cosplay ≠ Consent is about making people feel safe to speak up if a line is crossed – and to ensure those who do are met with support instead of silence.

Respect your fellow fans, speak up for yourself and call out con-creeping – in all its forms. You might feel a bit awkward bringing it up, but it sure beats the discomfort of pretending nothing’s wrong. Protect CONsent!

Even if your name is Fan Service Renji, you still deserve dignity and respect.

What are your personal experiences/thoughts on Cosplay ≠ Consent? What is ‘too far’ in your view? Share your thoughts on CONsent below!

Make your guess in the comments below and show the world that you are smart enough to know the right answer before next week!

Answer to last week’s riddle: a tree.

[Trigger warning: discussion of abusive relationships]

Over the weekend, Liz and I attended Supanova Pop Culture Expo (post on that coming) (also why there’s no comic this week, my sincerest apologies). On the Saturday, I went in costume as 80′s prom date Joker. It’s the second time I’ve done a Joker costume, and it’s always a lot of fun. It also speaks to one of my lady-parts’ greatest weaknesses: villains.

A brief list of some of my evil crushes: Loki, The Joker, Catwoman, pre-reform Zuko from Avatar: the Last Airbender (post-reform is fine, too), Poison Ivy, the Phantom of the Opera, Bane, Spike, Drusilla, Jareth, Alan Rickman in most things, bleedy-eye guy in Casino Royale.

So aside from my fetish for facial scarring, what is it about villains that I’m so into? And, most importantly, why is it that my lady-boner for bad doesn’t translate into the real world?

Most of the guys on that list have huge female fanbases. The heroes of their films do as well, but frequently fans of villains can seem to eclipse those of the heroes in passion and numbers. I imagine this is somewhat perplexing for casting agents and the like, but first, let’s analyse why heroes and villains are cast and characterised the way they are.

Male heroes in films occupy a certain role, and that role is male wish fulfillment (as do the women, but that’s a whole other article). He is muscular, traditionally handsome and intensely masculine, solving his problems through the twin strategies of punching and shooting (I am a huge fan of Bruce Willis, so don’t assume I’m knocking this as a method). The women love these heroes with their rippling, virile manliness. Villains are, generally speaking, the antithesis of this – they are what men are taught to push against, the opposite of what they should aspire to. Villains are smaller, thinner and generally physically weaker than the heroes of their films, and gain the upper hand not through physical combat but through their vast intellects and cunning use of traps. Heroes are usually blonde and tan, villains pale with long, raven locks – long(er) black hair and/ or some kind of facial scar is a sure-fire sign of villainous tendencies. Villains are not supposed to be sexually desirable to women on a physical level, though they are frequently extremely charismatic, and thus attract a single (usually crazy) female hanger-on, who they order about and are generally massive butts towards (this is often shown as a sign of their evil tendencies, despite male heroes treating their female admirers in remarkably similar fashions – but again, I am digressing into an entirely different argument). Villains are delicate male Snow Whites, consistently geniuses, sly and effeminate, while the heroes are great, hulking Fabio’s, frequently battle-smart but school-dumb, brave and hyper-masculine. There are some very obvious exceptions to this rule, but these are the models on which most heroes/ villains are based. It’s the jock/ nerd dynamic, only with death rays.

The main reason I can see for the appeal of these villains over their heroic counterparts is that the heroes are, quite frequently, boring.  Even if they do manage to spend reasonable portions of their films shirtless, a glorious set of abs is generally not enough to base a relationship around. Liz will likely take me to task for this but Thor is, in essence, a loghead. He’s pretty, certainly, but ‘roguish charm’ and ‘bravery’ tend to translate into ‘frightfully dull’ when I imagine what Thor would be like in a long-term relationship. Your typical hero is certainly eye-candy, but they’re generally written with about as much depth as a Petri dish. That’s why, for the discerning person of intellect, the jock-y hero seems a pretty bland option.

The villain represents an extremely enticing long-term possibility: stimulating conversation. Aside from being able to talk about something other than truth, justice and the American Way (I assume that is a diner), they are also frequently much more complex characters than the heroes, with many layers of moral ambiguity. Characters like (movie) Loki and Two-Face struggle with their good sides. Catwoman frequently oscillates between good and evil (my usual answer to when people ask me of her villain status is that it depends on whether or not she’s boning Batman at the time). Their actions are not inherent in their characters, but fluid and dependent on intervening circumstances. In this way they are much more human. Villains also, importantly, have that sexy, sexy ‘danger’ thing going for them. Plus, they typically wear more leather, which is always good.

Heroes do good stuff because they’re good; their motivations are always very simple and approvable. Sometimes they struggle with what is right and what is wrong, but they always make the right choice in the end. Villains always believe they’re doing the right thing, even when they’re committing acts of terrible evil. Often, they’re trying to ‘save’ the world, or reform it. Heroes can be rebels, working outside the system for the right cause, but villains try to crush the system completely. They are intellectual anarchists trying to fix the world, not afraid to tarnish themselves for the Greater Good. Heroes seek to preserve the established order, one which we in the real world know is flawed. In the fangirl mind, just about every villain is secretly an anti-hero in disguise.

So why is this complexity so important as to turn murderers into heartthrobs?

This next thought should always, always result in alarm bells for anyone: they’re bad, but I could be the one to fix them.

I don’t like admitting it, but it’s important and I have to: the subconscious appeal of villains is the appeal of the abuser. It’s an easy trap to fall into, and a very hard one to get out of. The romanticised appeal of the ‘bad boy’ is an extremely dangerous one. We are taught that if we just show them a little love, or help them be more secure, they will be revealed as romantic and emotionally deep, the dude in the motorcycle jacket capable of far more sensitivity than the dunderhead on the football team. Unfortunately reality is much harsher. Reality has fists, and it will use them on you, not to protect you.

To demonstrate with pop music, please watch the following video:

Realistically, no person really wants to be with someone who goes around murdering people in cold blood a whole lot. We might want to be able to show them forgiveness, and for them to move on, to grow and change, like in Beauty and the Beast, but given the option it would be a rare person indeed who’d be willing to shack up with Pol Pot or Gaddafi. The fictional villain, on the other hand, allows for the wishes of a darker part of ourselves.

To look past the abuser dynamic that is the reality of falling for a ‘bad’ person, we with a hankering for evil must focus on the fictional nature of these characters. The distinct line between fiction and reality is extremely significant in the appeal of the villain. We know exactly the kind of person a villain is, so we cannot be deceived the way we can deceived by real people. We can pretend they wouldn’t kill us or maim us in an instant because we can imagine ourselves as the one thing they cherish, and it doesn’t have to be a lie. Kidding ourselves about the behaviours of a fictional character is safe, because they can’t actually hurt us if we get it wrong.

Even those who fundamentally ignore all the murder going on will agree on a central point: evil is sexy. We pinpoint the appeal of these characters in the fact that they are bad. This is really obvious in the case of classic femme fatales, whose source of evil is their sex appeal. Villains aren’t a Project on the same level as the problem person may frequently be in real-world abusive relationships. Rather than wanting to root out the evil in the villain we allow ourselves to give in to it, to fall through the rabbit-hole of temptation and into a world where we sit beside these characters, laughing maniacally along with them. By imagining ourselves as a villain’s squeeze we can give in entirely to our subconscious fantasies, the ones we can’t actually ask for but which we know our villains are smart, sympathetic and plain ol’ messed up enough to understand – and be into. In our minds, we can always make it stop while it’s still fun. It never has to be real, with all the consequences that would bring. It’s all very Freudian, really.

We can’t really help who we’re attracted to, and my ‘thing’ for evil has led to more stigma, ridicule and disgust than my thing for being into dudes and ladies at the same time. Still, as with everything in our lives, it’s important to know what it means, to analyse, question, and dissect. And, for all you out there wondering if your crush on Loki could get you in real-world trouble, it is so, so important to know where to draw the line.

[Image Credit]